The Cat’s best find in the whole of today!
by CyborgGarfield
Summary: The Cat finds a shiny thing. A really BIG shiny thing! Warning, there's a CrossOver warning going on! It's still going on! Ok, for those of you who still haven't got it, its a RD:SG1 X:Over
1. Chapter 1

**CyborgGarfield's Red Dwarf Fan Fiction #2:**

The Cat's best find in the whole of today!

The Cat finds a shiny thing… A really BIG shiny thing!

"Warning, There's a Cross-Over Warning going on! It's still going on!"

**Three Million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.**

**It's crew:**

**Dave Lister: The last human being alive.**

**Arnold Rimmer: A hologram of Lister's dead bunk mate.**

**The android named Kryten that they picked up in deep space.**

**And the creature that evolved from Frankenstein, the ship's cat.**

**Message ends…**

**Additional:**

**Three million years from Earth and well beyond the extent of the distance man had travelled into space during our time period; we've discovered and named many previously unknown wondrous and beautiful cosmic phenomena. Just last week we just sat and stared for hours at a bright red, lip shaped object we named the Angelina Jolie Nebula.**

Chapter 1:

"Where's that smeggin' cat?" said Lister looking around as he turned the sausages over on the barbeque. He called over to Holly who was in his mobile unit and warming himself by the fire. "Holly, have you seen the Cat?

"He said something about investigating, Dave" said the Red Dwarf Hologrammatic AI Computer with an IQ of 6000. '6000 isn't very high IQ' he used to say. 'It's just the same IQ as 6000 Big Brother housemates.'

"Investigatin'? We're on a smeggin' moon with nothing but craters and dust; apart from it having a breathable atmosphere, there's not really that much to investigate!"

Lister continued to turn the blackened meat as Kryten and Rimmer came back from Starbug with the picnic gear. You know, the usual stuff you have at a picnic, umbrella, blankets, durex volley ball equipment, booze; that sort of stuff.

"No Mr Rimmer" Kryten said to the hologram with the personality of a South American dictator when they were still on-board Starbug. "I don't think we'll need the insect spray."

"You can never be too cautious, Kryten. Who knows what's crawling around in all of this dust?"

"But sir, Holly did a complete organic scan of the moon. There's just nothing to spray."

"Yea, like I would trust a scan from a senile computer that bangs it's head on the smegging screen to count."

"Very well sir, if you must" said Kryten, giving up. 'Honestly' he thought. 'It's like being on hold when you're trying to talk to an insurance company. There's just no getting through.'

When they got within ear shot, Lister asked "Have you guys seen the Cat?"

"No sir" said Kryten, looking around. "I haven't."

"Well what do you expect?" said Rimmer. "This is the biggest sand-box he's ever seen. He's probably doing 'something secret' behind every crater."

"Yea man, you're probably right" Lister said after a swig of lager. "Anyway, how is the Death-Day boy? At least this time you can join in and eat. Not like when we had to keep you in the hologram cage and get Holly to make it seem like you were getting tanked. That hard-light light bee of yours is pretty cool isn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose it is, but I'm still dead" whined the man voted most likely to be keel-hauled in space by his commanding officers. "Cage or no cage, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still composed of nothing but light and…"

"Alright Rimmer, I've heard all this smeg before. Like I've said numerous times, you may be dead – but you're still a smeg-head!"

"Then why do you keep throwing me Death-Day parties every year then you goit?"

Lister put his tongs down and picked up his lager. After a big swig he proceeded to squirt it out of his mouth and onto Rimmer.

"Because, Arnold; I really-really like to rub it in, you know; the fact that you're dead and all."

"I knew there was a real reason for you appearing to do anything remotely nice for me."

"And besides, we always seem to find little moons with breathable atmospheres around the same date you died so it's a good smeggin' excuse to get out of Red Dwarf for a barbeque!'

After another half an hour of Rimmer complaining about being dead and Lister baiting him about being dead; Kryten jumped in before the conversation turned to violence and said "hadn't we better look for the Cat, sirs? He's been gone a while now and he could be lost, or hurt."

"Just how on Io could he get hurt here moon-face? snarled Rimmer rather nastily. "I know, maybe he strained a muscle from always looking at himself in the mirror."

"I think you're right Kryten" said Lister, throwing a piece of burnt sausage at his bunk-mate. "Besides, the foods ready and you know how he feels about food."

"And sleep sir" said Kryten holding up four fingers. "Don't forget they're two of his three favourite things."

They agreed to go after the Cat but they had to leave Holly behind to 'guard' the food. The reality was that it was far too rocky for his mobile unit to travel over and the last thing they were going to do was carry him, as he had politely suggested.

"I'm not carrying you, you Taiwanese calculator! These two can do it if they want but for all I care, you can stay here and rust."

"What did you call me?" said Holly so angry his screen was fogging up.

"You heard, you goit. Now are we going or what?"

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten walked around for about 15 minutes before Lister suggested they split up.

"What?" said Rimmer, nostrils flaring as they usually do when he's either angry or scared. "We can't split up! What if there are GELFs here or Polymorphs or…"

Lister rolled his eyes back and sighed. "Kryten, Holly did an organic scan of the moon, right?"

"Err… yes Mr Lister, he did sir" said the soap opera loving android.

"Then there are no…"

"And you're going to take that senile gits word on that are you Lister?" said Rimmer, arms folded.

Well that particular conversation was soon made redundant when the Cat walked out from behind a crater.

"Cat!" said Lister. "Are you OK man, where have you been?"

"Investigating" he said.

"What?"

"Investigating!"

"Investigating what?"

"Investigating this; investigating that!"

"But there's nothing to investigate here man, it's all rock and dust."

"You're up to something" said Rimmer suspiciously. "What are you hiding?"

"Hey!" said the Cat, stepping back a pace and pointing. "You can't have my big shiny thing!"

"We can't have your big what?" said Lister.

"I found it it's mine!"

"What the smeg are you talking about you deranged fur-ball factory?" said Rimmer.

"What shiny thing, Cat?" asked Lister.

"Just my all time best find in the whole of today! And you can't have it" said the Cat, strutting like a rooster in a hen house.

"We don't want your stupid shiny thing you freaked out feline!" said Rimmer being even more obnoxious than usual.

Lister suddenly wondered what sort of 'shiny thing' could be on a moon so he said "yea, we don't want your shiny thing Cat. But can we see it?"

"You promise you won't steal it?" said the Cat.

"I promise, man."

"What about goal-post head and Herman Munster?"

"Yes sir, Mr Cat. I promise I don't want your shiny thing" said Kryten holding his hand up like he was being sworn in during a court case.

"And I certainly don't want it you stupid moggy" said Rimmer.

After each of them had promised 7 times or more that they didn't want the Cat's shiny thing he decided that they might just be telling the truth.

"OK, this way" the Cat said walking off.

The group began to follow him as he sort -of danced his way along the surface of the moon making his 'owwww! Yea! Yea! Yea!' noises when he suddenly stopped; turned around and said "No! This way" and walked off in the other direction.

"Make up your smeggin' mind Cat" said Lister angrily.

They followed the Cat for about 5 minutes then climbed a small rise. As they got to the top they looked at what the cat had found and all said the same thing.

"Smeg!" said Lister.

"Smeg!" said Rimmer.

"Smeeeeeeeee…"

"It's OK Kryten, we know what you mean" said Lister, not believing his eyes.

"Well guys" said the Cat. What do you think of my shiny thing?" said the Cat proudly.

"Well, you did say it was big" said Kryten.

They walked closer to the object and as they climbed a small set of stairs carved into a rock pedestal Rimmer was the first to speak. "What the smeg is a big rock circle doing on a moon?"  
"Yea" said Lister "And what are all of those squiggly symbols all over it?"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The Dwarfers looked closely at the ring and the pedestal it sat on. The symbols all looked different, although some did have a certain similarity to others. They found no switches, dials, buttons, keyboards or anything that even looked like a control panel or 'on-switch' for the ring. So, then they searched the surrounding area for clues as to what this 'big shiny thing' was that the Cat had found. But they found nothing. Zip, zilch; nada, zero; nothing. At least, that's how Lister put anyway.

"Mmm! Very interesting" said Kryten as he scanned the ring.

"What's interesting, Kryten" said Lister, with a really, really confused look on his face.

"Well, sir; the scan indicates that this ring is made up of nothing."

"Nothing?" said Rimmer. "It's solid… well, solid whatever this stuff is."

"Yea, man" said Lister. "It's rock, or stone or something."

"Not according to the scan, sirs" said Kryten. "It's not registering on the scanner at all.

"Give it to me Kryten" said Rimmer angrily. "Knowing you, you trumped up chamber-pot emptier, you've probably got the smegging thing set on 'suck' or 'rinse, you goit."

Kryten gave the scanner to the hologram of the man who, even when resorting to using highly illegal learning drugs, had managed to fail his astronavigation exam so many times it became an entry in the 'Guinness Universe Book of Records' under the 'Really, really dumb people' section.

Rimmer played with the scanner like he knew what he was doing then said "well, the tin-man is right. The scan says that there's nothing there."

"Maybe it's a space mirage" said Kryten.

"Mirages aren't solid man" said Lister, still confused. "Maybe it's another smeggin' group hallucination?"

Quiet up until now, the Cat spoke up and said "maybe you'd better scan that."

"What?" said Lister.

The Cat pointed behind them, through the ring and into the darkness of space. "Scan that blue swirly thing in the sky that's behind you."

Lister, Rimmer and Kryten slowly turned and looked at what the Cat was pointing towards. Shocked, stunned and not a little amazed; their jaws dropped in horror and eventually Kryten said "oh my! It's a time hole!"

Rimmer sort of composed himself and said "I thought time holes were orange?"

"They usually are sir, but according to the scan, that is a time hole.

"Where did that smeggin' thing come from, Kryten" Lister said, still trying to put his jaw back into place.

"Unknown sir, but it seems to be stagnant."

"Say what, freak-face?" the Cat quipped.

"It's not moving Mr Cat, sir;" replied the soap-opera loving android.

"Well why didn't you just say that, Robbie Robot?"

"This is way too smeggin' weird" said Lister. "First we find…" Lister looked at the Cat who was looking rather annoyed "….sorry, the Cat finds this ring-thing; and then we see a time hole. Do you think the two might be related somehow, Kryten."

The Cat looked at Lister like he had Space Mumps again. He simply said, and simply really is the right word, "how can they be related, door-mouse cheeks, they don't even look like each other."

The three non-cats just stood and looked at the Cat. This was, quite likely, the dumbest thing he had ever said.

But the Cat and his comment were soon forgotten when the ring made a loud rumbling noise.

"What the smeg was that" said Lister, looking really panicky.

"Umm… Err…" said Kryten, his panic circuits engaging quicker than he might have hoped. "I, I, I…. I believe it was the ring, sir; look!"

They all looked at where Kryten was pointing to see a part of the ring rotating slowly, then; as it got to a certain point, stopped and another part of it lit up and then seemed to lock a symbol into place with a loud clunk; and then it continued to rotate.

"I… I think we'd better find a place to hide" said Rimmer, doing that thing that holograms should not be able to do. "This smegging thing looks like its going to blow up or something" and he ran off towards a large outcrop of boulders.

Although he would later deny ever saying it, what came out of Lister's mouth was "I think Rimmer might be right! Leg it!"

Then they ran! They ran as fast as their legs and the moons gravity would allow them to and hid behind Rimmer's rocks. When they thought they might be safe enough from any possible explosion, Lister, Kryten and the Cat poked their heads over the rocks and took a peek at the ring just as a seventh symbol was locked into place.

"It's stopped moving" said Lister. "Maybe it's playing possum."

"Possum" said the Cat. "What are you…?"

The Cat didn't get those last words out quite quick enough for, as he was about to utter another syllable, the ring made an extremely loud 'whooshing' noise and what looked like a whirlpool poked out from the ring for about twenty feet and then retracted back towards the ring.

"What the smeg was that?" said Rimmer trying to dig under the rocks.

"See for yourself man" said Lister as his eyes bulged out like he had just tasted one of Rimmer's attempts at cooking.

"Is it safe?"

"I think it might be, sir; yes" said Kryten.

Rimmer extracted himself from his self-dug foxhole and peered over the rocks. "That looks like water" he said in a whiney-panicky type voice.

Kryten had the scanner going and after a few seconds said "in this case, looks are deceiving, Mr Rimmer, sir. What looks like water is actually the event horizon of a worm-hole!"

"A worm hole" said the Cat. "Do you mean to tell me that a great big, gigantic worm is going to poke its ugly head out of that thing at any moment?""

"It's not that sort of worm hole Mr Cat" said Kryten turning to the Cat to try to make an attempt to explain to him what a worm hole was. "It's a sort of tunnel in space-time that connects two points in the universe; they are very unstable and…"

"Hang on Kryten, something's happening" said Lister, reaching towards his robotic friend and getting his attention.

"Smeg!" said Rimmer as he ducked back into his fox-hole.

The others looked at the ring and Kryten said "Look, sirs; something's coming out!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

"You know, Carter; that never gets old" said Jack O'Neill as he unclipped the business end of his submachine gun and held it up at the ready.

"No sir, you're right" said Sam Carter, smiling her cute little smile as she cradled her own FN P-90 in her arms. "Even when you know how it all works."

Jack gave her one of his 'oh you're such a smart-ass but I still love you' looks and they walked forward a couple of steps; behind them, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Teal'c; the ex-First Prime of the Goa'uld, Apophis, appeared through the gate. Daniel was armed with his pistol and Teal'c carried his staff weapon.

All four members of SG-1 had Zats strapped to their hips as back-ups.

As the wormhole disengaged Teal'c looked around, confused. He said "O'Neill! This does not look like the place we saw through the MALP camera."

Jack and Sam looked around, noticing that their alien friend was indeed correct.

"Carter?" said the Colonel.

"Sir?" said the Major.

"Why are we on what looks more like a moon than a planet? Where's the beach and the palm trees?"

"I don't know Sir."

"I was actually looking forward to going to that planet Carter! What happened to my paradise?"

"Maybe the images we saw were another projection to hide what was really there" said Teal'c. "Do you all remember the planet where we encountered Urgo?"

"Yes Teal'c; all too well; thank you for reminding me; but who'd want to hide a barren, lifeless moon." said Jack, not happy about his friend bringing up that particular mission.

Daniel butted in and said "it can't have been a projection, guys; there's no MALP here."

"I think maybe something went wrong sir" said Sam.

'Ya think?" said Jack, looking at his highly intelligent second-in-command and shrugging his shoulders. "Any ideas as to what it was?"

"What, what was, Sir?"

"The thing that went wrong, Major" said Jack looking really frustrated.

"I'd have to check the dialling computer back at the SGC to know that sir" said Sam.

"All right then; Daniel, dial her up" said Jack as he walked down the stone steps and onto the surface of the moon. "Let's get out of here!"

"Major Carter, may I ask you something" said Teal'c.

"Of course you can Teal'c" said Sam.

"Do you think that this is a moon or a planet?"

"By the looks of all the craters and dirt, Teal'c; I'd have to say this is a moon; but what really tips the scales towards that conclusion is that gas giant over there" and she pointed to the nearby planet."

"If that is indeed the case, then why does this moon have a breathable atmosphere? I myself have never encountered a moon like this before."

Sam looked up, then around and then back at Teal'c. "You know, I'm not really sure. There's no visible vegetation so I have no idea how the oxygen could have been produced. And there no visible atmosphere like on a planet, just space."

"It is indeed a mystery Samantha Carter."

Sam smiled again and said "indeed."

"Umm… Jack!" said Daniel.

"Yes Daniel?" said O'Neill impatiently.

"Where's the DHD?"

"What?" said Jack as he turned to the person responsible for finally deciphering the symbols on the gate that was found on Earth, thus making it actually work and therefore made gate travel possible.

"There's no DHD Jack."

O'Neill got that panicked look on his face and began looking round for the DHD.

In fact, they all began searching for the missing Dial Home Device but to no avail.

"Damn it!" said Jack, throwing his cap to the ground in frustration. "How the hell are we going to get back to Earth?"

"Smeg!" said Lister as he hid behind the rocks with his companions. "They look human!"

"What about that one, bud" said the Cat, hoping that the shiny thing didn't belong to these interlopers because if it did; he may just have to eat them. "That big guy with the funny tattoo on his forehead looks mean enough to be an alien to me"

"He could be a smeggin' simulant or something" said Lister. "But that wouldn't explain why he's hanging around with live humans."

"You're right, bud! If he was one of those bad-ass androids, he'd be wearing those guys, not travelling though space with them."

"Interesting" said Kryten as he zoomed in on the diverse looking group with his multi-function eyeballs. "That tattoo looks like it's made from gold and his weapon is un-like any other that I have ever encountered sirs."

"Do you think he could really be an alien, a real alien? He looks nothing like any of the aliens I've ever thought or dreamed about" said Rimmer after he had crawled out of his hidey-hole at the mere mention of an extra-terrestrial life form.

Kryten quickly scanned the newcomers with his scanner and said "well, Mr Rimmer, sir; three of them are human, two males and a female. But the other person seems to have another life form inside him, sort of like a parasite of some type; and his physiology is similar, but not the same as the others."

"Then he is an Alien" said Rimmer with a smile so wide you could park Starbug in it.

The Cat got all excited at the thought of one of them actually being a girl. "Did you say female; female; as in round and curvaceous?"

"Listen! What are they saying?" said Lister.

Rimmer's ears pricked up and he said "She said 'Colonel! He must be an officer! Oh, and he called her Major! "

"Wow; she's cute and an officer" said the Cat who appeared to have started drooling down the front of his tailor-made, silk and linen fatigue jacket.

"They seem to be in a bit of a dilemma sirs" said Kryten. "It looks like they are in the wrong place and have no way to get home."

"What a DHD?" said Rimmer, screwing up his face trying to remember if any of his engineering text books might have mentioned anything that even remotely sounded like DHD.

Yea! Like he'd remember!

"That guy with the glasses looks like a nerd" the Cat said. "You'd think he'd be able to get them home. Aren't nerds supposed to be really smart?"

"Well you'd know; Dwayne" said Lister smiling like a rat in a cheese shop.

"Hey! I am not Dwayne Dibley and you know it, monkey-boy!"

"Hang on, what are they saying now?' said Rimmer.

"Smeg!" said Lister, his face looking like he had just won the lottery. "They're from Earth!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Lister was so excited that the strangers were from Earth that he began to stand up so he could let them know that he was from Earth too. But before he could rise above the level of the rocks, the Cat, Kryten and even Rimmer grabbed him and pulled him back down to the ground so fast his hat stayed suspended in mid-air for about 2 seconds.

"What are you doing, guys! They're from Earth; I want to say hello, and maybe we can go back with them" said Lister, so cheesed-off his nostrils started flaring like Rimmer's usually did.

"Are you nuts, gerbil features?" said the Cat. "What if they're from the future, or our past, or…"

"I think we should wait a bit before we approach them sir" said Kryten. "Maybe find out a bit more about them."

"Yes, what they said" said Rimmer, smugly. "And besides… He's my alien; I saw him first; I've got bag-zees!"

Lister just looked at them like they were all escapees from a psychiatric leper colony. "You guys can stay and whimper behind these smeggin' rocks if you want. But I'm going out there. I want to go back to Earth! I don't care what century they're from; I don't care what dimension they're from; I don't even care if that big alien smegger is the overlord of the whole universe! I wanna go back to smeggin' Earth!"

Without even waiting for the others to reply to his ramblings, Lister stood up, started waving his hands and ran out from the rocks screaming "Hey! Over 'ear! Oi! I'm from Earth too!"

* * *

Jack was the first to spot him and he lifted the barrel of his P-90 up and pointed it at the oncoming… whatever it was.

"Whoa, whoa; hold it right there fella!"

Lister stopped dead in his tracks and was gob smacked. He lifted his hands into the surrender positions and said "don't shoot! I'm from Earth; I'm human."

Carter, Daniel and Teal'c all raised their weapons too. Poor Lister felt like a duck on an anti-aircraft firing range.

Jack asked "getting anything Carter, Teal'c?"

"I do not sense the presence of a Goa'uld, O'Neill" said Teal'c.

"Me either sir, I think he's ok" said Sam.

"What's that smell" said Daniel, sniffing the air.

Lister looked at Daniel like he was a pubic hair floating in his lager.

"Who are you" said Sam, not really believing what it was that was standing in front of her.

"Can I put my hands down, please?" Lister said.

"Not quite yet" said Jack. "Answer her question."

"I'm Dave Lister from Liverpool in England."

"You're a long way from home aren't you, Dave" said Daniel.

"So are you four eyes" said Lister who then looked at Jack and asked "is he always such a smart-arse?"

"A what?" said Jack, having trouble with Listers scouser accent. "Oh! You mean a smart-ass? Yea, he usually is but I'm getting used to it."

Daniel looked at the Colonel with a look like a lost puppy. "Way to go Jack; make me look like a dork in front of the new guy!"

"I'm unarmed" Lister said opening his jacket.

Jack waved his hand in front of his face and said "phew! Not from where I'm standing buddy. You can put your arms down now, in fact; I insist that you do it; now!"

Lister took a sniff of his own armpits. This guy was right; he could have done with some deodorant.

"So how'd you get on this moon Dave" said Jack.

"We stopped to have a barbeque" he said.

"A barbeque?" said Carter.

"On a moon?" said Daniel.

"Are you nuts?" said Jack.

"Who is we?" said Teal'c.

"My ship mates are a bit shy, they're hiding behind that outcrop of rocks over there" Lister said as he pointed towards the rest of the Dwarfers.

"Why don'tyou have them come on out, Dave" said Jack, smiling, not liking the idea of someone hiding behind a rock while he was out in the open.

* * *

Lister yelled 'come on out guys, it's OK" and the others stood up like meerkats looking for lions. "And leave the bazookoids there."

"What is a bazookoid David Lister?" said Teal'c.

"You can call me Dave… sorry what was your name, matey?"

Teal'c bowed politely and said "I am Teal'c."

Lister said "Did you say Tea cake?" and began wondering who would be such a nasty git and name their kid after a smeggin' cake.

Daniel interjected and said "that's pronounced Tee-Ul-K."

"He is a smeggin' smart-arse isn't he?"

"So a bazookoid is?" Jack said, smiling and really beginning to like this weird looking guy with the dreadlocks.

"Oh; sorry. It's big honking gun that fires big explosive thingies."

"And that's its technical name is it?" asked Daniel.

"Give the guy a break Daniel.

* * *

As the rest of the Red Dwarf posse made their way towards the group, Jack looked at Kryten and said "Holy Hanna! What happened to you guy? I hope you sued that plastic surgeon?"

"I beg you pardon, sir?" said Kryten, oblivious.

"No, it's alright" said Lister, "he's supposed to look that way. He's a robot; an android."

Well that was like a red flag to a bull for Sam, she said "An android. Wow! He looks pretty sophisticated. What do you do… sorry, do you have a name?"

Kryten bowed and said "ma'am, my name is Kryten 2X4B-523P and I am at your service."

"So what do you do?" Sam asked. "What is your function?"

"I'm a service android ma'am."

"And what does that mean?"

Rimmer, who by now was on his knees and bowing in front of Teal'c; tore his eyes from the slightly embarrassed Jaffa long enough to interject with "it means he cleans toilets."

Sam looked at Kryten in a different light now. "Is that all you do?"

"Carter, can we talk about that later" said Jack. "What I want to know is what that 'H' is doing on this guy's forehead" as he pointed towards Rimmer.

"It stands for 'hologram' Colonel Sir" said Rimmer, standing to attention and saluting Rimmer style. "It means I'm dead."

Jack looked at Rimmer like he was mad; which, as we all know, is the truth

"You look pretty good for a dead guy" said Daniel.

"That's an interesting Salute you've got there buddy" said Jack and returned the salute, sort of. "Are you... Sorry; where youmilitary?"

"Second Technician Rimmer: Arnold J of the Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red Dwarf; at your command Sir."

Teal'c, his curiosity getting the better of him said "And what duties does a second technician on your ship perform Arnold Rimmer?"

"It means he cleans the gunk out of the chicken soup machine nozzle buddy" said the Cat before standing right in front of Sam and staring at her like she was a caviar-coated mouse.

"Sir" said Sam.

"Easy Carter" said Jack. "Who are you… err… That is, what are you; why do you look like a contestant from Dancing with the Stars and what's with those teeth?"

The Cat didn't say a thing. He kept on starting at Sam.

"He's a cat" said Rimmer.

"What do you mean he's a Cat?" said Jack.

Lister said "its long story; but his race evolved from my pet cat that was pregnant when I went into stasis for three million years."

"You what?" said Daniel, looking over the top of his glasses as they started fogging up.

"You were in suspended animation for three million years?" said Sam.

"You've aged well" said Jack. "Umm, Dave, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure" said Lister.

"What the hell are you talking about?"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

* * *

Lister started to tell SG-1 the tale of the Red Dwarf, but when he began by starting the story from the time he was a car parking attendant, Kryten butted in and said "Mr Lister, sir. If you're going to go that far back in the telling of this story, I suggest we go back to Red Dwarf."

"Why Kryten?" asked Lister.

"Well, sir. This moon is about to move out of sight of this system's star and when it does the temperature will drop lower than a lawyer in a mineshaft."

Jack asked "how long have we got, err… Kryten wasn't it?"

"Yes Sir, Colonel. I would say we will make it back to Starbug in time, but we must leave now."

"What's a Starbug?" asked Daniel.

"It's a ship to surface transport vessel" said Rimmer, as Lister pulled him from his knees, earning him a 'thank you' bow from Teal'c.

"Cool" said Jack. "Let's go Campers.

* * *

With Kryten leading they began their walk back to the camp and Starbug.

Carter was getting really angry because as she walked, the Cat walked next to her, his eyes never leaving her cherub-like face.

"Sir" said Sam.

"Easy Carter" said Jack. "Dave, can you do something about that, umm… moggy?"

Lister walked up behind the Cat and slapped him on the back of the head. "Show some manners smeg-head. Leave the Major alone."

The Cat rubbed the back of his head and turned to Lister, "what did you do that for?"

"It's for your own good, Garfield" said Jack as he walked next to the cheesed off feline. "Major Carter is not only a very good shot, she's also an unarmed combat expert; and she doesn't like being stared at."

"But she's a female and I…."

"Oh yea, she is that" smiled Jack knowingly. But she's a female military officer with an eagle eye and a bad temper if pushed; do your-self a favour and give her a wide birth,"

"OK, OK" said the Cat and slipped back to walk by himself.

* * *

Lister and Rimmer walked at the back of the group and after a few paces Rimmer turned as they walked and said "Lister, what happened to that smegging time hole?"

Lister stopped and took a look for himself. "Dunno. Maybe it's gone, but maybe it's just blending into the planet, it's the same smeggin' colour as it."

"Do you think it might have anything to do with these people being here?"

"Could be" said Lister. "Holly might be able to tell us, and that Major seems pretty switched on."

Rimmer nodded as they continued to walk, nearly catching up to Teal'c and Daniel. "And cute, don't forget about cute."

* * *

When they got back to the Bug, Holly met them at the edge of the camp and said "ear, who's this lot then?"

Sam walked up to Holly and his trolley and said "who are you?"

"I'm Holly, Red Dwarfs Hologrammatic AI computer with an IQ of 6000."

"Wow! An artificially intelligent computer" said Carter. "A 6000 IQ is pretty high; you must be extremely smart."

Holly blushed and just smiled. "6000s not much; it's the same IQ as 12,000 reality television show presenters."

"He's got a point" said Jack.

Lister walked over and introduced everyone to Holly.

"Holly, meet Colonel Jack O'Neill; this is Major Samantha Carter; the big guy with the cool tattoo is Teal'c; he's an alien…"

"An alien?" Holly said. "Oi! What have you done with Sigourney Weaver?"

"That's a movie, Holly" said Jack.

"Oh, OK; and whose this other bloke?"

Daniel walked up and said "Doctor Daniel Jackson, pleased to meet you Holly."

"A Doctor eh; great; I've got this pain in my shoulder, Doc. It really hurts when I do…"

"Um, I'm not that sort of doctor, Holly. I'm a linguist and a…"

"The Major is a doctor too, Holly' said Jack. "But she's some sort of physics-someone or something."

"An astrophysicist actually, Holly" said Sam.

"Peachy" said Jack, looking embarrassed.

"Anyway, Holly" said Lister. "They're from Earth."  
"Earth! How did they get here?"

"Its long story, Holly" said Sam.

"And we'll tell you all about it when we get back to the Dwarf." said Lister and they all began packing up the BBQ stuff and took it to Starbug.

* * *

When Lister was in the pilot's seat he asked Jack if he wanted to take the co-pilot's spot next to him. Jack said "ya, sure; you betcha" and strapped himself in.

As they took off Jack asked 'so where is this Red Dwarf anyway?"

Lister pointed straight in front of them and said "that big red thing there."

"That!" gasped Jack. "I thought that was another moon!"

"It's supposed to be as big as a city."

"It's certainly bigger than Manhattan" exclaimed Jack.

As they got closer to the ship Jack called his team-mates to the front for a look. Sam marvelled at the engineering that must have gone into it and couldn't wait to study some schematics; Daniel wanted to read about its history and Teal'c just said "Why is this ship called Red Dwarf when it is so big."

* * *

With Starbug suitably parked, the Dwarfers led SG-1 through the corridors and halls of Red Dwarf to the Drive Room. Holly was back in his usual place by now and they all sat around waiting for Dave to finish his story, but not from so far back. But before he could continue Carter said "I've just thought of something sir."

"What Carter?" Jack said.

"Holly" said Sam. "What year was Red Dwarf built and where?"

"Well, Major; it was commissioned in 2275 after being constructed in the Jupiter Mining Corporation shipping yards in orbit around Mars."

"2275!" said Jack.

"Mars! Daniel exclaimed.

"Why" said Rimmer, still studying the object of his worship. What's wrong with that?"

"Umm, we're actually from the early, very early 21st Century" said Carter, confused. "No other planets had been colonised by humans from Earth or had shipping yards in orbit around them in our time."

"Although we do have a couple of off-world bases" said Jack.

"Not to mention all of the alien planets and species we've encountered" said Daniel.

"Mmm; that is interesting" said Kryten, trying to compute what was being said.

"You mean there are more alien species around except you Teal'c?" Rimmer said, almost fainting.

"Yea there is Arnold Rimmer" replied Teal'c.

"Rimmer and me are from the 23rd Century, Major" said Lister. "How the smeg did you guys get here?"

"It was the time hole" said Kryten suddenly.

"A what?" Sam asked.

"A time hole, Major" said Holly; "is a rare phenomenon found in the deepest reaches of space."

"What do they look like?" Daniel asked.

The Cat was sitting as far across the room as he could get from Carter but still stared at her longingly. He turned to Daniel and said "It's normally an orange swirly thing in space."

"Normally? Jack asked.

"Yes, Sir, Colonel; we saw one in the sky just before you came though the stone ring. But that one was blue."

"And you don't know why?" asked Carter.

"No, Ma'am, we don't. I have never heard of a blue time-hole before."

"And there's no reports of blue ones on my database" said Holly.

"We've been through one of the normal ones" said Lister. "It took us to a really weird version of Earth where time was running backwards."

"Well a time hole, as you called it, would explain how we got to this time period" said Carter. "But you called the Stargate a stone ring, haven't you ever seen one before."

"Stargate?" said Rimmer.

"We call it that because it's a gate to the stars" said Daniel quite matter-of-fact like.

Lister leaned over to Jack and whispered, 'this guy must drive you smeggin' nuts."

"He does" replied Jack. "But he's handy to have around when we find old stuff."

"Why old stuff?"

"He's an archaeologist."

"A wot?"

"He's an ancient junk expert."

"Oh."

Poor Daniel just looked at his commanding officer with his puppy-dog eyes.

* * *

Sam asked her question again and Kryten said "no, Major; nothing like the ring, sorry; Star-Gate; has ever been catalogued to my knowledge."

"Or mine" quipped Holly.

Teal'c looked confused and asked "if the Red Dwarf crew has never seen a Chapa'ai does that mean that the Goa'uld has been defeated by their time?"

"What's a Goold?" asked Lister, screwing up his face. "And what's a Chaparti, is that like a kebab?"

Daniel stuck his nose in and said "they're pronounced…."

"Rimmer; I think I've finally found someone more smeggin' annoying than you."

Rimmer didn't say a word he just smiled his 'what-the-smeg-are-you-talking-about' smile.

"Never heard of either of 'em" said Holly.

"Can't say I have either Mr Teal'c sir" said Kryten.

Teal'c just looked away and said "indeed."

* * *

Sam looked at the Dwarfers and smiled before she suddenly realised what had actually happened to them. "Actually; Teal'c; I think it might mean that not only are we in a different time, but we're also in a different dimension."

"Again?" said Jack.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

"Major Carter, are you saying that we have found a dimension in which the Goa'uld do not exist" asked Teal'c almost excitedly.

"I pretty sure that's what I'm saying" said Carter." I mean, let's look at the facts; Holly has an IQ of 6000, am I right Kryten?"

"Maybe he started with 6000" said Kryten who then lowered his voice and said "but we think he's gone a bit computer senile. We don't think all of his amino-acids are 'left handed' any more, if you catch my drift."

Carter just smiled knowingly.

"But he's still smarter than a human, right" asked Jack; wondering what amino-acids were and what they had to do with the conversation. "He still has all the information in his data-what-sis." He turned, frustrated to his second in command and said "Carter, a little help here please."

Carter smiled at her commanding officer's usual lack of technological knowledge and said "database sir. Anything about Goa'uld's being around, Stargates being found and things like that would still be in there, right."

"That's right" answered Holly. "Even if I couldn't access them, they would still be in my database somewhere."

"Carter, can you hook up to Holly and have a good look" said Jack. "Maybe look at the historical record and see what you can find?"

"It shouldn't be too difficult sir. A lot of what I've seen on board Red Dwarf is similar to our technology."

"I'll come too" said Daniel, who really wasn't getting on with Lister at all. "Maybe I can dig up some archaeological records too."

"Thanks Daniel" said Jack who looked at Carter and wondered why she wasn't getting, stuff, ready. "Go Carter, shoo!"

"Rimmer man, take Kryten and show these guys where the mainframe is, ok" said Dave.

"But I want to stay here with Teal'c and…"

Teal'c stood up and fixed the hologrammatic equivalent of Pee Wee Herman a stare that said 'if you don't leave me alone I'm going to kill you, as would be my right on Chulak.'

Rimmer gulped and nearly ran out of the drive room as Kryten, Carter and Dr Jackson followed.

_**Author's Note:** I just thought you'd like to know that by this stage the Cat, who is still really upset about not being able to get close to Carter, has gotten completely bored with all the smeg going on around him so he jumped up onto a console and went to sleep. Yes; I know the story is about the Cat's best find, but he's bored! Let's face it, and anyone out there who has cats can testify to this, cats have attention spans so short you couldn't even use it to time a three minute egg!_

"Now, Dave" said Jack. "While the brainiacs, and Rimmer, give a Holly the once over; can you tell me what happened here and how come you're three million years away from earth?"

Lister told Jack and Teal'c everything he could remember. How he refused to give Frankenstein up to the Captain and then got put in stasis. How he woke up three million years later to find the crew had been wiped out by a nuclear explosion because Rimmer didn't fix the drive plate properly; that the Cat race had evolved on-board and that he was their god; that Rimmer was now a Hologram, brought back by Holly to keep him sane and how his plans to buy a farm on Fiji with Kristine Kochanski was probably never going to happen now..

"Holly brought Rimmer back to keep you sane?" asked Jack.

"Yea, he thought he was doing the right thing by me."

"But why Rimmer;" said Jack like he had just eaten a cigar butt from the bottom of a half-empty, day-old Miller bottle. "I've only known the guy a couple of hours and already I want to shoot him. It took nearly ten years for me to feel the same way about Maybourne."

"Who?" Dave asked and Jack told him a few quick stories about Colonel Harry Maybourne.

"What a bastard" said Lister.

"You said a mouthful buddy" said Jack who asked Dave to continue his story.

He told about finding Kryten, and then Kryten went off on Dave's space bike, and then finding him again, albeit in pieces; about the backwards reality; Dr Hildegard Langstrom and the 'holo-virus;' Rouge Simulants, GELFs, Polymorphs, Psy-Moons, Holly Hops to other dimensions and runaway nannos who eventually rebuilt Red Dwarf using the original plans; and as much as he could of the in-between stuff.

"So you've been to other dimensions?" Jack asked.

"Yep" said Lister.

"So have we, it was really strange" said Jack. "Did you meet yourself or somebody you knew there?"

"I… I… yea sort of."

Jack looked at Lister and wondered what it was that he was hiding. "Throw me a bone here Dave."

"Well, yea; I met up with my other-dimension twin type of person, only…"

"Only?"

"Only she turned out to be a girl and we slept together" said Lister; really, really embarrassed.

"You had relations with… …Yourself David Lister?" Teal'c asked, looking somewhat bemused by this information.

"You had sex with yourself?" Jack said. "Where you any good?"

"Oi! She was a female you know!" Lister said angrily. "And I was drunk so I don't remember what it was like."

"Yea yea, right, so what happened.?"

"I got smeggin' pregnant and had twins."

Silence.

Jack looked at Teal'c and Teal'c looked at Jack and then they both looked at Lister.

"YOU HAD TWINS?" they said in unison."

"Yea, it was bloody agony" said Lister as he remembered just how much.

"I'll bet, let me ask you – why did YOU get pregnant?" Jack asked.

"'Cos we were in their reality, their laws of nature applied; and in their dimension it's the guys have the babies."

"Teal'c" said Jack looking really worried. "The next time we go to another dimension; if I even LOOK at a woman…"

"I will shoot you with a Zat'ni'katel"

"Thank you!"

"Twice!"

Jack looked at his alien friend and knew; he hoped; that he was joking about the second shot.

Teal'c bowed politely at the Colonel then asked Lister another question. "So what became of your children David Lister?"

Lister said "well they grew really quickly in this dimension; they would have been dead within months; so we took them back to their father… I mean mother."

"And do you get to interact with them at all?"

"No, it really bugs me too" said Lister looking all forlorn. "But it's probably for the best; maybe sometime in the future."

Then Jack and Teal'c looked at each other and realised they probably asked way too much about that particular subject.

"So anyway, Dave" said Jack trying to change the subject. "What else can you tell us about?"

"You said you have travelled in time, David Lister" said Teal'C.

"Yea, we have" said Dave. "I didn't like that much – causality is a bitch; especially when we met future versions of ourselves. I was a brain in a jar."

"Nasty" said Jack, wincing.

"We did get to see JFK shoot himself from the grassy knoll but."

"You what?" Jack exclaimed.

"In our reality, well – one of them, I think; John F Kennedy assassinates himself."

"Why?"

"Well, it's because we screwed up Lee Harvey Oswald's attempt; by accidentally knocking him out of the window."

Jack look confused. "But that's a good thing, isn't it, Dave?"

"You had to be there Colonel" said Lister.

Not knowing exactly what they were talking about, Teal'c said "We too have travelled time, we went back to the 1960s"

"Cool" said Lister. "That's when all the best music was written, man; Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, The Doors, Gerry Bergermeister and the Gravediggers!"

Gerry who?" asked Jack.

"Gerry Bergermeister and the Gravediggers, they were like huge man. They had that hit 'We only spent one night together but it took me a year to cure the rash;" a smeggin' classic!"

"Never heard of them; at least… nah! That must be a difference in our dimensions." Jack said hopefully.

"You missed out man, I'm telling you" said Lister.

"Anything else you'd like to add to your story, Dave" asked Jack.

Lister thought for a moment and then continued. He told of the photos that moved, the inquisitor and the epideme virus; "then there was the time when I found out I was my own dad…"

"You are your own father" asked Teal'c, shocked. "How is this even possible?"

Lister told how they found a dimensional tunnel and met up with another version of the Red Dwarf survivors, only Dave was a hologram and Kristine Kochanski was the last human in her dimension.

Jack looked at him like he was covered in boils or something. "So you're your own father and Kristine, the woman you lusted after for however long it was, is your mother?"

"That about sums it up, yea" said Lister.

"So you and Kris finally…"

"No! It wasn't like that, unfortunately. We mixed our stuff up in a sort of test tube thingy and the baby was sort of grown, in an artificial womb."

"You're test tube baby, literally" said Jack, smiling.

"If you wanna smeggin' put it like that, yea, I guess I am."

"And what became of Kristine Kochanski, David Lister" asked Teal'c.

"Well you see; she was going to come with us but we got attacked by my GELF wife's family, and the smeggin' tunnel got destroyed, sort of like. Kris got thrown back to her side (Hey! It's my fan fic, so we use my version of history; ok?) and I just managed to catch the test tube with me in it before it drifted off into non-space. Then, when I was born we found a way to go back in time and I left myself under a pool table."

"You have GELF wife" asked Teal'c. "What is a GELF?"

"A GELF is a genetically engineered life form."

"Is she cute" Jack asked.

"Well that depends" said Lister. "If you think six foot four woman who looks like a cross between sasquatch and Magilla Gorilla is cute, then…"

"And you married her?"

"We needed an engine part man, we were desperate!"

"I believe you Dave" smiled Jack as he patted Lister on the back.

Dave looked at him like he was a pile of smeg.

"No, really; I believe you."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

The two most annoying people in Dave Lister's mega-verse took the lead as they, Sam Carter and Kryten went to see if Holly's mainframe could help them in their search for any references to Goa'uld, Stargates or any other suspiciously significant details that might help SG-1 get back to their dimension.

The aforementioned annoying people, Arnold Judas Rimmer and Daniel Jackson, walked ahead in total silence, which was quite expected really. The only thing they had in common was… Umm... Err… That is...

Smeg it! They had nothing in common!

Daniel Jackson was a brilliant linguist and archaeologist who had unlocked the key to the human race being able to travel to the stars without the need for spaceships and Arnold Rimmer; well, he wasn't.

Brilliant that is.

His only claim to fame was a few minutes of pleasure and pizza with the concussed and massively disorientated Red Dwarf female boxing champion, Yvonne Magruder. Oh, and a mention in Who's Who under the "People who should never, ever; under any circumstances what so ever, be allowed to procreate" section.

But they both annoyed the living smeg out of Third Technician David Lister.

On the other hand, Kryten and Sam Carter were having a wonderful conversation.

"So; Major Carter, ma'am; it must be exciting travelling to distant worlds, meeting new people and exploring their cultures?"

"It sure is Kryten" said Carter who was enjoying a stimulating conversation; she just never expected to have one with a robotic toilet cleaner. "Most of the people we encounter are humans, kidnapped by the Goa'uld to be used as slaves and hosts, but occasionally we come across a distinctively different race of aliens, like the Asgard."

"You mean like the gods in Norse mythology, ma'am?"

"Exactly Kryten; we've actually met Thor, Odin and a host of other aliens who are known on Earth as Norse gods. Unfortunately we also meet some not so nice ones."

"Like the Goa'ulds you mentioned?"

"Yes" said Sam; "most of them took the names of Egyptian gods but also some of the really evil ones from other cultures; we even met a Goa'uld called Sokar who passed himself off as the devil."

"Not a very nice fellow I take was he, Major?" Kryten asked.

"He was one of the worst actually; him and Anubis. Sokar is a character I would rather forget." Sam said, hating the memory of being on Sokar's hell planet.

Before long they arrived at the mainframe and with the help of Holly soon had their dimension's Earth's histories and other relevant information up on a couple of vid screens.

"Well at least it's all in English" said Daniel excitedly. "On most of the planets we go to we have to determine which language the information we're looking at is in before we can translate it" as he sat on a chair and began his archaeological and historical search.

Carter however, being the brilliant science geek that she was, sifted through the massive amounts of technological information relating to Red Dwarf as well as any references to Stargates or Goa'ulds.

* * *

Rimmer sat on a seat with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his hands; his eyes staring off into nothingness like a love-sick puppy.

"Just think of it Kryten" said Rimmer dreamily, "aliens! Lots and lots of Aliens! I knew they had to be real!"

"Yes sir" said Kryten as he mechanically rolled his eyes, appearing like a slot machine; his pupils finally stopping on two lemons. "It seems not in our dimension though."

"Yes; but that's it! Maybe we can go back with them to their dimension. I'll join that SG thing and go off world hopping so I can meet aliens, real aliens who can give me a body, a real body!"

"But sir" said Kryten, hoping his 'laughing hysterically' chip didn't kick in soon; "what if they don't want you in their organisation? I'm sure they don't just let in any Tom, Dick or Arnold."

Rimmer looked at the mechanical man like he was mad.

"Are you mad!" exclaimed Rimmer, his nostrils flaring so wide Kryten was sure he was going to be sucked up into one of them at any moment. "They'd jump at the chance to have a man with my military experience on their team."

"And what experience would that be sir?"

Rimmer was shocked at the androids words. "Listen you expensive pencil sharpener; I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf for years now and I've lead us through dangers unsurpassed, committed deeds of daring…"

"Like when you gallantly tried to save us all by ejecting yourself in an escape pod when we were being threatened by psychotic rogue simulants, sir?"

"It was brave, and you bested that simulant didn't you?"

Kryten was at a point where he wished he wasn't programmed to never harm humans. He seemed to fall into a dream-like state where he caught a glimpse of his hands around Rimmer's throat and was throttling him like a rabid dog when he bounced back into consciousness.

"I… I… I… that is… You collapsed the superstructure of the ship sir, we nearly didn't make it!"

"But you did make it Kryten" said Rimmer all smug-git like.

Then Rimmer remembered the after mark of that event. "And I spent multiple lifetimes on a hell of my own making."

Kryten didn't comment after that. He knew it would take him at least a week for him to say 'Smeg Head!'

* * *

Rimmer walked over to the two members of SG-1 and asked "so did you find anything yet?"

Sam said she hadn't but Daniel seemed a bit flustered and said "I've just found the Space Corp Directives Manual. This is the most insane book I have ever read."

"What do you mean, Dr Jackson?" Kryten asked, confused.

"Show me, Daniel" said Carter as she moved over to his console.

"Look here; Space Corp Directive 43872!"

"Ah, yes" said Kryten. "Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only."

"That's impossible" said Sam.

"Not in the 23rd Century Major it isn't, or in your case, won't be" said Kryten.

"And this one" said Daniel disgusted; "actually, I don't even want to think about that one!"

Sam looked at the directive and said calmly "well actually, Daniel. I have to admit that that one makes perfect sense."

"It does; how?" Daniel said, perplexed and looking at Sam in a different light."

"Yea of course; who knows where those false teeth would end up if they got out?"


End file.
